My Approach to 40
Photo by Bethany Gambino
It’s my birth month and it may have started a tad rough. I’ve never been in a funk over a birthday before. That is, not until 39. I kind of felt like I was getting shoved out of my 30s — like an unwanted guest who had stayed too long. I couldn’t really put my finger on what was bothering me so much, but even so, I found myself grieving the fact that I was fast approaching the end of my 30s.
Was it my perspective on aging that had me so deep in my feelings? Was it the fact that 40 is the half-life marker for most of us? Or was it the fact that I’m closing in on 40 and I’m still single? Bingo! We have a winner!
I hate to admit it, but somewhere along the way I bought into the lie that if I wasn’t married by 40 then it would be exponentially harder to find a mate. I was feeling like my value as a person was depreciating simply because I’m approaching 40 and I’m not married yet. Let me explain: There’s so much promise and potential for “finding someone” when you’re in your 20s and 30s. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard, “You’ll meet someone… there’s still time.” But you get to your 40s and it seems as though all that potential plummets. It's like your chances of meeting someone drastically decrease the moment you cross the threshold of 40.
Don’t believe me? How many times have we been involved in a conversation where it’s mentioned: “My friend, Karla, is 43 and she’s still not married.” I can tell you this: there's a tinge of pity behind this statement about our dear friend Karla. The implication is always the same: Karla’s hope for romance just isn’t the same as it once was... bless her unmarried heart. It’s like her value depreciated the moment she was escorted off the lot where they keep the sports cars (20yr olds) and the cute SUVs (30yr olds).
(Y’all calm down… it’s just an analogy. You’re all sports cars, okay?)
Who decided being single in your 40s is the absolute most pathetic thing ever? I didn’t realize it, but I bought into this stigma, too! But not anymore. The truth is my 40s will mark the beginning of the rest of my life. I get a fresh start for what some people affectionately call: the second act.
Being single has brought me closer to God — I rely on Him more than I used to. I partner with Him in parenting my kids. I'm more confident in what I'm looking for in a teammate. And along the way I’ve learned some invaluable lessons on forgiveness. I know less now than I thought I knew in my 20s (which was everything), but I know myself better and I love that part of getting older! I’m not as tightly wound and I’m definitely less petty (thanks FB memories for showing me what a petty person I used to be). I’m not trying to draft a dating profile on here, but almost-40yr-old-me is a much better catch than almost-30yr-old-me!
So no more stigma. No more pitying your friends who aren’t married yet. No more cheapening the wisdom and ease which comes in the second act. We don’t depreciate with age, my darling starling, we are refined. We are secure in who we are, with or without a spouse, because neither our age or a spouse can define our worth.