Believing in Love

When people find out how my marriage ended they tend to make assumptions about how I view men and marriage. It's been assumed I've sworn off men. Women have told me if they were in my shoes they would never date or marry again; they'd live out the rest of their life alone. I can see why one would feel the instinct to guard and protect, especially after tragic betrayal. But I believe I was designed for marriage. I still believe in love. In fact, I long for the day when I get to be in a romantic relationship again.

I’ve also thought about how impossible it feels to meet someone who would not just be a good fit for me, but would also be a good fit for my boys. Then there's the other side of the coin -- I will also need to be a good fit for my future spouse... and what if he has children? It's almost too much to comprehend. How can 2 imperfect people join together with the brokenness of their pasts? How can they possibly flourish? Finding love again just seems IMPOSSIBLE.

I remember the precise moment this lack of probability crept into my mind. I was at a pool party, watching all the couples interact. I was/am the only single person in our friend group. I saw fathers and mothers interacting with their kids. I saw husbands joking around with their friends. I saw couples. I saw marriages. And it stung. I felt a sense hopelessness start to seep into my soul. But my spirit -- that tough old broad lept into action like a mom racing to clean up a spill before it reaches the rug. I felt a fight rising up in me. Spirit vs Flesh. Faith vs Hopelessness. 

I immediately heard from God, "Am I not the God of the impossible?" That's when I realized I shouldn't feel defeated by how insurmountable my situation felt. It SHOULD feel impossible, but not hopeless. When I happen to meet my future husband I will know it's God who is orchestrating the impossible. Who else can redeem love? I certainly can't! 

I sat by that pool as hot tears rolled down my cheeks. I let the moment fully wash over me. The impossible desire of my heart is to find love again. It's ok to feel like it's impossible. That's how I'll know it’s the Lord when it does happen. It seems bigger than I can fathom and I wouldn't want it any other way. I refuse to shut down my heart just because someone else seemingly destroyed it.

So no, I haven’t given up on love. The possibility of finding love again might seem stark... but what if that’s the miracle?