The Fight

It was a Saturday morning when I found out Jay was having an affair. An hour later we sat in our bedroom: him on the bed, me on the chair that was tucked in the corner. He stumbled over his words as he delivered the shocking news of his double life. He not only had a mistress, he had a daughter and she had just turned a year old. This was the day I found out my husband had another family.

It was a Saturday morning when I sat in an upholstered chair, numb to the world, in sheer disbelief this was the reality of my life. I didn’t have much to say. What does one say when such a devastating blow is delivered? Jay sat waiting in expectation of a response from me. As he waited on me his eyes prepared to wince -- like watching someone who's anticipating an explosion at the end of a freshly burnt fuse. In the years leading up to this I'm sure he had played out this moment a thousand times. I'm sure his vain imaginations conjured up the ugliest scenarios and justifications as to why he could never reveal his darkest secret. It took a long time for me to respond to him. There were a million things I could’ve said, but none of my responses would’ve been fruitful. So I asked God what He wanted to tell Jay. And this is what came out: “Jay, I can’t tell you what to do here. What happens next is up to you. When you look 20 years into your future… what does your life look like? Who is in it? …I pray God is in it. Because He’s the only One who can make sense of the mess you’ve made. I don’t know what else to tell you."

It was a Saturday morning when Jay packed a bag and left our home. I had zero control over Jay’s choices. I couldn’t will him into doing the right thing. He had to decide for himself what he was going to do. Resolve is up to each individual. Wrong or right... I had no motivation to fight for him. It was time to put on the boxing gloves, but not for him. I had to fight for me. This wasn't a selfish battle, though. I was going to war with my feelings. Truth should always trump feelings. But my feelings felt like the heavy weight champion and I knew how unhealthy it would be if I let them win. I had a fight ahead of me and it was a brutal one.

It was a Saturday morning when my life took an uncontrollable turn… but it was a Sunday morning when I walked into the doors of my church. It wasn’t just any Sunday in some distant future… it was the very next day. Sunday was when I truly began to fight. (Don’t hear this wrong: I’m not saying the church has all the answers or some magical forcefield. No, walking into a church won’t fix your problems. But submitting your feelings and your actions to God will!) I quickly found a seat in the sanctuary and sat on the end of an aisle. A friend of mine and Jay’s came and sat across from me. It was an innocent question couples ask each other. A question regularly asked between friends who are married: “Where’s Jay this morning?” I tried to swallow the lump in my throat. Only a handful of people knew what was going on. There were no social media rants or modern-day public acts of shaming. So how could this friend know what an awful question this was to ask? I decided to keep it simple and told him Jay was with his parents this morning. It was the truth: he was staying with his parents. I wasn’t trying to hide anything… I just didn’t have it in me to speak out the severity of the situation. Plus, I had no answers to give because there was a huge question mark looming over mine and Jay's individual futures.

It was a Sunday morning when I humbly sat through praise and worship. I didn’t have the strength to stand. My grieving body refused to hold me up. But I was there. And I worshiped with everything I had. What I had wasn’t much, but I gave everything. I continued to sit through the message, but I have no clue what was preached that day. However, I listened, and I knew I needed to be in a place that spoke life into me when I felt like my life was over.

Have you ever marveled at an impossible situation? My life definitely felt like just that: an impossible situation. But God didn’t view my circumstance as impossible. He sees far beyond our plight. He has a plan and a path for you, just like He has for me. Those first few months I told myself and the kids over and over again, “We have a hope and a future. God has a good plan for us!” Sometimes I was telling them about His good plan for us after they came back from a stressful visit with their dad. Sometimes I was telling myself about the hope I have in Him after a bleak meeting with my lawyer. Sometimes we have to remind our soul of what is true and what God promises in His Word.

It was the very next Sunday when I sat down in the same seat as before. My friend followed suit and sat across from me just like the week before… but this time he just quietly looked at me. We didn’t say anything for several minutes. He knew. He obviously knew now why Jay wasn’t there at church with me the week before. His compassionate look turned to contemplation and he struggled to speak. I was growing accustom to this happening. People asked me a lot of “how” and "why" questions as news got out of mine and Jay’s scandalous situation. I had learned to anticipate when the question was coming. The squinted eyes… the tilted head… the furrowed brow… stuttering over the first word in the sentence...

It was a Sunday morning when my friend asked me the most important "how" of all. He looked at me in disbelief and asked me, “H...how are you here right now?!” He couldn’t make sense of how I was getting out of bed, much less showering and showing up to church. He simply couldn’t understand how I was still in the fight against my emotions. Honestly, it took so much out of me to show up to church. I cried constantly. I had to stop wearing makeup because I would cry it all off on the car ride there. So I understood what my friend was puzzled over. How was I there?? With tears rolling down my cheeks I answered, "I’m here because this is the best place for me to be. This is where I hear Truth. Everything is much simpler when I’m standing in the presence of God and I could really use some simple Truth right now.”

When you’re faced with everything you’ve held dear being taken away from you it’s time to fight. Your feelings may tell you to lash out; to start swinging; to lock eyes with the thing that caused you so much pain and relentlessly retaliate. Your feelings might tell you to stay in bed. Your feelings will tell you your situation is hopeless. If I listened to my feelings I would be a bitter woman. My feelings would've paralyzed me with anger towards Jay. But my fight was never against a person. This boxing match was Feelings vs. Spirit. My battle was fought with worship. Each round was won by speaking out God’s promises over and over again. The instinct to relentlessly fight is not wrong. Just know who your true opponent is. It’s not a person. This is a spiritual fight. Don’t let the enemy lie to you about who you’re fighting. We truly don’t battle against flesh and blood. So fight. Fight for a Godly perspective to your situation. Don’t let your feelings win.