Unfolding the Folds

I’ve pretty much folded into myself over the past 2-3 weeks. I’m very much a communicator so I’m really thrown off-kilter when this happens. I get like this from time to time when I’m super overwhelmed. Especially if I’m overwhelmed with things at home. I can usually navigate external sources of conflict and stress without much fallout, but if my home is in disarray and there are multiple problems that need to be addressed I start to crumble under the weight of it all. So when responsibilities at home start to pile up and there aren’t enough hours in the day to get to everything demanding my attention… I shut down. I stop answering my phone, text messages get a bare minimum response… even my kids get a much lesser version of me. Simply put: I disengage. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does happen it takes me a while to recognize what's going on and how unhealthy things have gotten. I’m currently working on coming out of one of these “funks”. But it’s hard and it seems to be directly linked to being single. I don’t remember dealing with this when I was married. Or even before my daughter moved away to college.

When I began to wake up to the fact that I had, yet again, folded into myself I was riddled with shame. I hid without meaning to hide. Self-preservation instinctively took over when I was around anyone outside my home. I’m a very forth-coming person so this furthered the shame of hiding how I really felt. Then came the tears and anger. I was mad at myself for getting to this point again. I ran to the Lord with all these big, explosive feelings… kind of like a hurt kid bursting through the front door. Most parents know what I’m talking about: you’re sitting there minding your own business, and suddenly you hear a muffled cry from outside. That muffled cry immediately changes when the door flings open and your child lets out a deafening sob as they call out your name. Most times this happened at our house, said child was not in life-threatening danger (otherwise their traumatized feet wouldn’t have carried them to me), but they were scared and panicked.

…I was that child. Terrified of what happened. I’ve survived much scarier things, but my reaction didn’t match up. I knew this. But the emotions I would normally walk through had been numbed for weeks, and they all wanted to wake up at the same time. My over-reaction (annoying as it was) shed light on how unhealthy this area of my life is/was.

"Okay… so I’m on the hot mess express, my house is in disarray, my kids need extra attention, and here I am: over-reacting. Why, God?”

This was not a rhetorical question. I was truly asking. He gave me answers, but it was over the course of 2 days. Part 1: I’m an external processor. Part 2: I’m not actually alone and this heavy load I’m bearing is only for a season.

However, the enemy of my soul did not wait for part 2 (which came on the 2nd day). He immediately twisted this truth into something that made me feel so trapped. I process externally. I know this. But I hadn’t realized until now how significant it was for me to have someone to process with who was not just a close friend. I function best when I’ve got someone in my personal bubble. Someone who knows the inner-workings of our home and our schedule. Someone who knows when the bills have to be paid, how often the dog needs to be groomed, and what supplements the boys take and when they take them. I don’t need these things done for me. I just function better when someone else knows.

…but there is no one else right now. Because I’m single. (the twisted version of Part 2, not the real Part 2.)

This broke me. I was mowing the lawn when this all unfolded. I needed to be cooking dinner, but this was the last bit of daylight I had so the lawn took priority. I pushed the mower harder as tears blinded my vision. “If I had a husband we could be working as a team right now. One could cook while the other mowed. I could decompress at the end of today with him by having a short discussion about what ‘we’ needed to accomplish tomorrow.”

There’s always a smidgen of truth to the enemy’s version of Part 2. Chores would be easier if I had a spouse. My need to process out-loud would be satisfied. Things weren’t meant to be this way.

I cried off and on the entire day. I felt like I had just opened the door to an even bigger mess. The deeper I dug the more unresolved things felt. There was a nagging in my spirit. This couldn’t possibly be it. Part 1 was part of the answer, but God never leaves things unresolved. He always offers a solution or a way out of the mess we make. I knew if I rested on the conclusion that “This is just how things are” I would end up compromising. I would go looking for a husband to “fix” the issue. Here’s what I mean: if the real issue was my needs weren’t being met because I’m single and an external processor then the logical resolution would be that finding a mate would resolve the issue. (Can we all just take a minute to cringe over this statement?)

It says in the Bible that it’s not good for man to be alone… and I believe that! I believe I was delicately crafted by God to perfectly compliment my future husband. But looking to another human being to resolve my issues of balance within my home? That’s not fair. That’s an unhealthy expectation; an unrealistic expectation. I would only ensure my own disappointment.

I refused to believe there was no resolution to how I was feeling. I went to my pastor’s office (perks of being on staff at a church) and told him what I was struggling with, “I can’t seem to reconcile these things I know are true: 1. I’m single. 2. I need to verbally process with someone who intimately knows me.”

If only I had been able to get my words out in such a concise and emotionally stable way. In reality, I squeaked out a bunch of incoherent words while crying... AGAIN! I cried so much that the magnets on my magnetic eyelashes came undone and I ended up holding a set of eyelashes in one hand while my patient pastor squeezed my other hand as he prayed for me. (Hence, the earlier reference to the hot mess express)

Once he got a handle on what was going on, he pointed out how dangerous cyclical behaviors are. But seasons... seasons of compression are normal. What I have been feeling is the weighted responsibility of two people. I was never meant to bear the load of a man/husband/father. But I'm in a season where it is necessary to function in both roles, even though this is not how God designed things. A cycle indicates I'm damned to go through this over and over. A cycle says you will struggle with this same thing time and time again. However… a season has an end. A season expires and ushers in new purpose. Some seasons may be hard, but they aren’t bad. Cycles? Cycles don’t bring any resolution and they do. not. end.

God was showing me this is merely a season in my life. The enemy of my soul was trying to sell me on the idea I was stuck in a cycle… and I almost bought it. Somewhere along the way, I forgot God is my person. He intimately knows the details of my day. He’s constantly in my space and I can use Him as a sounding board whenever I need.

Somehow I started thinking my situation was unique. In my mind, my situation became impossible because how I was wired didn’t mesh with being a single parent. In a twisted way, my hopelessness made me feel like my issue fell under special circumstances. We do this all the time. We take our problems and explain to God why He can’t fix them.

But here’s the truth: This conflict of being single and an external processor does not exclude/excuse me from the need to fellowship with God. It doesn’t make my need for a spouse greater than that of any other single person. How we are wired does make us special. But it’s our unique relationship with God and how He resources each of our specific needs that is truly the most special part of all.

I realize now that feeling this lack of a mate is a good thing. We were created to be dependent on God. We were created to need help. We were created for relationship.

So this is me, unfolding the folds I made to protect myself. Those folds aren’t needed if my resource is God. He is sufficient to meet my specific needs in this specific season. What needs do you have right now and have you asked Him to help meet those needs?