Questions That Need Answers

Photo credit: Bethany Gambino

Let's pick up where we left off in our last story:

I didn’t date for 4 years. This wasn't a calculated choice, either. I WANTED to date. I just didn't want to date out of boredom or desperation. So when I was looking for a date-able guy I looked way beyond a superficial checklist. In fact, I really guarded myself against making one of those "perfect guy" lists.

I feel like we are really boxing in God when we do this. Don't get me wrong — I definitely have some preferences, but I'm trusting God knows what I need much better than I do. I mean, I think being a productive member of society with a steady job should be on everyone’s list. But beyond that, I truly believe the Lord works out our biggest issues when we are running hard after Him. Therefore, that’s the only kind of man I was interested in getting to know. 

Over the years, there have been a lot of assumptions about why I didn’t date for so long. One circulating rumor was I had sworn off men. Which couldn’t be farther from the truth. I HAVE, however, sworn off certain types of men. In the lines below, you will find some questions and thoughts I found helpful in determining what kind of guy I was looking for.


1. ”Where does he go to church?”

This is the very first (and the most important) question I ask! I’ve had friends want to set me up with someone they are just sure I’d be perfect for. At first, I would ask, “Do they love the Lord?” And they’d always give an exuberant, “Yes, of course!” But after asking a few follow up questions I’d already have my doubts as to whether or not this guy had an active relationship with Jesus. Simply put: I need to see some fruit, dude! Church is a big part of my life and I want to be with someone who is just as invested in their spiritual growth as I am. Asking where someone goes to church is a simple way to get to the heart of the matter. Sadly, all but one man failed this first question. (But thankfully, one man passed and these past few months with him have been pretty incredible.)


2. “How much time has passed since his last serious relationship?”

Everyone might have a different expectation for this question. Time is relative, after all. But I put a lot of hard work into these years of being single. I learned a lot. Growth I would’ve missed out on if I hadn’t wrestled with loneliness, independence, and finding my value in Christ alone. I want someone who can identify with those same struggles and know they’ve come through the other side. It's hard to sift through your baggage if you jump from one relationship to the next.

3. “How do they communicate with you?”

Let me just say that many a conversation with a potential love interest ended before it ever got started because of how a man approached conversation with me. Let me explain: If a man messaged me over social media and simply said, “Hey”... I would not respond. If a man messaged me after 10pm… I would not respond. If a man messaged me and asked, “WYD?” …you guessed it: I would not respond! You are worth more than an abbreviated text or acronym. You are worth more than late night lusts. You are worthy of someone taking the time to construct complete sentences. You are not a snob for not responding to distasteful messages. Stop acknowledging bad behaviors. If that's all the effort a person can muster at the beginning of a potential relationship, where do you expect it to go from there?   

That's it! That's my list of questions that need answers. What questions would you add? Have you asked any of these specific questions? I'm not saying this list will land you a prince, but I can safely say this list has steered me away from dating a few frogs.

My hope in sharing my process is to help bring a bit of clarity and perspective to an area of life that can be very confusing and frustrating. Obviously, this is not a complete list of how to date or how to pick the right kind of date. This is simply the foundation God laid out for me. He has a process for you, too. Just keep listening to Him, because He is always speaking. He will get you to where He wants you to be.