Why I Stayed Single

I've fielded lots of questions on the topic of dating in the last four years. I thought it was time to let y'all in on my approach to this relevant, yet biblically obscure subject. The Bible doesn't have much to say about dating because it didn't exist in that culture or era! However, the Bible DOES have lots to say about the kind of people we should team up with in life. So if dating is pointing us toward finding a mate, then I want to pursue a godly relationship from the start. But one cannot simply decide and proclaim their readiness for companionship and have it manifest out of thin air. (But MAN wouldn't it be nice if it did work that way?!)

Can you imagine how convenient that would be? "Hello, family and friends. I have gathered you here today to make a public proclamation: I, Elise Corinne, am ready for the perfect man to enter into my life. LET THE DATING COMMENCE!"

I mean, there's nothing stopping you from doing this. I'm just saying I don't think this method yields much success. So what does a success story look like? Most singles have gravitated to online dating as a viable solution. I know plenty of couples who are happily married now because of dating apps. (Good on ya!) I also have heard from a plethora of friends who have experienced the dark side of dating apps. (Insert horrified face as I listened to cringe-worthy dating app tales.) So if you aren't on a dating app, how do you meet date-able people? And what about all the nosy concerned loved ones who pity us single souls? How do you navigate the onslaught of unsolicited advice and questions from well-meaning friends and family?

People want to offer advice about everything. With dating, the older you get the more contrived the "tactics" become. I'm serious! I'm sure there are singles in their early 20s who get confronted about their love life, but as you get older the pressure and VOLUME of “interventions” become exponentially larger. If I had a dollar for every time I was gently asked if I have tried online dating, I’d be a wealthy single momma. I've even had people offer to set up a dating profile for me.

A related topic of intervention includes getting the brilliant, yet, super vague advice of “putting yourself out there.” May I ask a pertinent question? Where is “there”?! I’d gladly put myself “there” if that’s the “there” God told me to put myself. (Whoa… are you still tracking with me after that last one?) I’m in no way knocking online dating. It’s just not something I felt like God was asking me to do. So I didn’t. Any time I examined my motives for resisting online dating I heard God’s reassuring voice tell me, “I know right where you are and I know right where your future husband is. Am I not the architect of you life? I’ll bring you together when the time is right.”

I was so frequently asked about my love life (or lack thereof), I could pretty much see it coming before it actually popped up in the conversation. Don’t get me wrong, asking hard questions is an important part of personal growth. Your loved ones should have permission to check in on you. If you haven’t had a deep conversation with a trusted friend/family member about your relationship status… it’s time. But first? Have a conversation with God. Process it with the most trusted friend you will ever encounter. Ask Him what He thinks about your love life.

Then listen.

Then do what He says.

I didn’t date for 4 years. This wasn't a calculated choice, either. I WANTED to date. I just didn't want to date out of boredom or desperation. 1,460+ days. (Yes, I was counting the days. And don't lie... all of you single slices out there are counting, too.) I don’t know what kind of dry spell you’re going through or have gone through. Maybe it’s only been a few months. Maybe it’s been over a decade. Maybe you purposely chose not to date. Maybe, despite your best efforts, a meaningful relationship has eluded you. Within the span of 4 years I’ve experienced moments of elation because of the freedom and self-discovery I’ve felt as a single person. Then came the intense loneliness — it would grip me without warning. I would have to stop what I was doing and sift through all the thoughts and feelings I was having. Like separating dirty laundry; sorting the lights and darks; truth from the lies. However, the job wasn’t over once the sorting was done. Then it was time to clean and tend to each article. I know this sounds laborious… because it is. But it does become a daily discipline.

Kind of like, you know… doing laundry.

My desire is to be in a loving, committed relationship with a godly man. So if I’m asking God to bring this kind of relationship into my life then I, too, need to prepare my life in such a way that I am a desirable, godly woman — ready for commitment. Ready to mesh two lives together. Ready to serve together and serve each other. This kind of refinement takes time. Don’t rush it. God has joy for you in the season you’re currently in. And if you can't find joy and levity in your life as a single person, what makes you think you'll be able to sustain it as a couple?

We are far from done talking about this topic, but this is where we will end today. Next, I’ll share some questions I found helpful when determining whether or not to say yes to a date.