Love Does Not Draw Lines
“It’s very complex when someone you dearly love makes a string of decisions you don’t agree with. It would be easy to write her off. Self-preservation kicks in and says ’I don’t want to deal with this particular brand of hurt, so I’ll just push her away along with the pain.’ ”
Words from last week’s post about abandonment. You can read the whole story here.
“Your actions have hurt me. I don’t like how this feels, so BYE FELICIA!” This is historically how my family navigates conflict in relationships. I can’t tell you how many times family members were cut out of my grandfather’s will. It’s even hard to keep up with who is on speaking terms with each other. Siblings who haven’t spoken for years. Family who refuse to sit together at a funeral. I already have a small family and, with every disagreement, it’s gotten smaller and smaller. When I was a kid, everyone would gather for all the holidays. With each falling out there were fewer and fewer family members present at these gatherings. By the time I was in my 20’s it was “Us 4 and no more.” Healthy communication and conflict resolution was never modeled for me. I found it very hard to navigate these unhealthy family dynamics. Even when I did have a beef with a family member, it didn’t mean I never wanted to talk to them again. However, because of our unhealthy family culture it was assumed any major disagreement would result in a line being drawn through your name.
In this way, at least, I’m not like most of my family. I’m a rip-the-bandaid-off kind of gal. So I’ll barrel through if it means not prolonging pain or even causing unnecessary pain down the road. I’ve seen first-hand how much loneliness and isolation is brought on by pushing loved ones away. I know from past experiences not to give in to my flesh, but it doesn’t mean the temptation isn’t there anymore. My fight reflex is wee bit over-exercised and, recently, that scrappy ol’ broad came out ready to swing during an intense conversation with my mom.
I held her back as best I could. (My inner Bon Qui Qui… not my mom.) But, despite my efforts, I let my emotions win and my words were cutting. The heated discussion got me nowhere with my mom. (Gasp!) I had to tell myself over and over again, “You only have control over your actions, Elise. You aren’t in control of her… or anyone else.” Did I handle the conversation with as much grace as I should've? No. No I did not. There was lots of restraint, but there should’ve been even more. I justified my harsh speech because, “She needed to hear what I was feeling.” But the truth is I felt a lack of control over her choices and I was desperate to see her choose better. Her mindset hadn’t changed one bit. But I realized my lack of restraint was not helping her at all. It was, in fact, hostile.
Restraint can come from a healthy place or an unhealthy place. We can show restraint out of fear and weakness. Or we can show restraint out of wisdom; understanding we have no control over other’s choices. Healthy restraint doesn’t mean you are a push-over… and speaking your unrestrained mind (unhealthy restraint) rarely produces the change you desire to see in someone else.
No matter what the circumstances or the actions of the other person: we are called to examine our own motives and actions. Destructive speech has no place on the lips of someone seeking relational restoration and redemption. Self-examination is such a vital part of any relationship... especially when dealing with conflict. That’s why cutting someone off is cheating yourself out of a beautiful opportunity for immense personal growth!
Imagine never pushing past the pain. Imagine never learning to love someone in the middle of their mess. I’m so grateful Jesus pushed past the pain of what I've done and loved me in the middle of my mess! Loving someone through conflict isn’t impossible, but it might look different than loving the same person when you’re in agreement with them. Your boundaries with this person might look different… especially if trust was broken. I can’t claim to love my family perfectly like the Lord does… but I’m going to use Him as my guide. Every day people make decisions I don't agree with, but I'm not called to agree or disagree... I'm called to love.